Sunday, June 14, 2009

Slap Chop Issues

Ok, who doesn't love Vince? He's so much fun. Sham Wows and Slap Chop. And a free Gratey. So, yesterday B and I went to the Home Show here. Well, they had made it into the Home Show, The Garden Show, The Solar Panelling Show, and The Miscellaneous Crafts Show. All in all, a weird conglomeration of people. Massage chairs and paving tiles. Go figure.

But, there were a zillion people there so it was fun. Doesn't everyone find it raucous good fun to get repeatedly run over by mothers with baby strollers who aren't paying one bit of attention because they are busy having a free sample from a bowl of glop that 4000 dirty fingers have already dipped into? Gross. Meanwhile, the kid in the stroller is gnawing on my knees.

Or waiting in line for an open toilet? Or being accosted by someone who desperately wants to sell you solar heating? And does NOT understand the word "condominium"? I had to fend off several overly enthusiastic people who were just dying to make sure I had roof top solar energy panels. The fact that we live in a condo did not stop them. Amazing. WHAT did they think I was going to say? SURE, Toots! Come on out and I will buy our entire condo building solar heating? WHAT color is THEIR sky, do you suppose? Jeez.

So, anyway, here we are strolling around looking at all the odd things on display. Solar panels, solar windows, solar garden lights, solar garage door openers, solar grass..... whereupon I decide I am thirsty and need water. Solar water. So, I toddle off to the solar water seller who sells me a small bottle of 79 cent water for $2.75! This is worse than a movie theater! It is so cold it practically cracks my teeth. No doubt they have a solar dentist hiding in the back room ready to leap out and fix my teeth with his solar instruments. So, I tip the nice old solar guy who sells me the water and venture back into the fray.

I am happy now. Thirst is quenched and I have gone 36 seconds without being solarly accosted. So, I round a corner and lo and behold! There is a not-Vince selling Slap Chops. So, I hustle on up and we discuss Vince for a while. He has the Vince Slap Chop ad running on a small TV. Now... the kid selling these things is about 23 years old and tells me... Vince has so much energy! I'm thinking... how does a 23 year old not have energy? Anyway, we go back and forth and manage to draw a crowd. All are having fun. I decide I MUST have a Slap Chop.

When we get home my Hunnibunni says... look... it doesn't say Slap Chop. Oh no! It says... Smart Chop. And my cute little Gratey? It says Cheese Mill. Blood is shooting out of my eyes, to quote a TV pal. So, I thinks... it is the same color, works exactly the same, has all the same features, blade shape, etc. It must be the same thing under a different name. Just like Sham Wows sell in our hardware store under a different name. Ok, that's fine.

So... we stop at the grocery store so I can get chop-able things. We go home.

I get out my "baby carrots". I am going to slap chop those little suckers into oblivion. I put three of them under the plastic thingy and go to town. WAIT! My carrots have disappeared! WHAT is going on? Where are my carrots? I pick the fake Slap Chop up and find that all my carrots are stuck in the wavy blade. We are NOT amused. So, I gingerly pick them out so I don't slice off any fingers. Ok, that's good. I try again. They keep getting caught. Then, after numerous tries, I finally get some highly irregularly chopped carrots but about 13% are stuck on the plastic thingy.

So, I says, Self... just use your finger and wipe them out of there. Ok. No problem. It's merely a plastic circular thing. So, I do that. Like you were getting frosting from a bowl, right? Hah.

All of a sudden I have this awful pain! I am now bleeding onto my carrots. Oh boy. There is a nasty plastic protrusion. A SHARP nasty plastic protrusion which rips my finger open. Good thing carrots are washable, yanno?

So, my fun Slap Chop experiment turned into the Slap Chop Fake Out From Hell. We are SOOOO not amused. I am writing to Vince. And I'm not going NEAR the fake Gratey. :(


Tonja Lenderman said...

I about peed my pants laughing when I checked my blog updates and saw your post :) Vince had just come on tv with the SHAM WOW!!! and I was begging DH to mute the tv. :) I find the guy completely annoying. And that Slap Chop thing...... no way, no how, will I ever contemplate needing one again. {passing a band-aid}

Angie said...

Hmmmm! You are a definite danger to yourself. Toe and now finger. Poor baby. Kiss! Kiss! All better. Now.....methinks that you should let the people at the Home Show know of your fraudulent Slap Chop - AKA Smart Chop -- that snags the awaiting veggies and holds them hostage. Not sure how but there is always Letters to the Editor in the Advertiser and Star-Bulletin. Go for it, girl! And use Tonja's bandaid. See ya Tuesday. Hope you're feeling better. XXOO said...

I guess it takes a fellow New Yorker to appreciate him. I love him. He makes me laugh and he makes me homesick... something I never would have thought possible. But, I slapped some veggies yesterday and it worked much better. :D said...

Ang...stop it! People are going to think I hurt my toe in my fake slap chop! I mean, just IMAGINE to visuals! :D

AlmondJoy said...

Bloody carrots sounds like a great new curse phrase...
"Oh, bloody carrots! Destructo Cat got into my clay!" ...

AlmondJoy said...

We went to the outdoor sportsman show in Harrisburg this winter. Everywhere I looked, there were people walking around with rolled up yellow fabric. What is that? Sham-Wows it turns out. They had booths everywhere and were selling 'em like hotcakes. Imitation? Don't know but they were sure popular. At a sportsmens' show no less.

MoeArt said...

Nah, they were the real thing. :D That's where I first got mine... at a contractor's show. The imitation ones are awful but the real thing is super! I buy mine now in our hardware store.

Melissa said...

Ewww! Why did you have your toes in your slap chop thingie? ;-) Maybe too much of a good thing is not so wonderful after all....

MoeArt said...

See! I KNEW you'd think that. :D I did NOT have my toes in the slap chop and I don't go near sharp things when I am having too much of a good thing, henceforth to be known as TMOAGT. :D The to was an entirely different ailment. I suspect old age is the culprit. :(

Melissa said...

Yeah, I knew that. Yust yoking. Hey - I have an old-age thing w/my toe, too! I have arthritis! And a three-year old who likes to stand on Mommy's bad foot! Could you send me some of your TMOAGT? Don't I deserve it?

MoeArt said...

If I had a 3 year old I would have closets full of TMOAGT! Yes, you deserve it! Gallons of it!

Past Expiry said...

A cartoon about SlapChop!

Anonymous said...

You definitely have the fake Slap Chop and it's nothing in comparison. Anyone that bases their decision on a knock off Slap Chop is like the bozo who takes a kit car replica Ferrari with a Fiero or VW engine and then writes a review on it's performance in the Ferrari Forums. I got scammed initially too and then bought the real one today. Here's how to spot one of Ebay's commonly sold fake Slap Chop s.

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