Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Perils of Thorough Cleaning

So, I says to myself, Self... we will clean the master bedroom and bathroom today.  This was yesterday that I had this thoroughly bad idea.  Now, as most of you know I am the Anal Retentive Queen of The Universe.  Thorough cleaning to me is the closets, the drawers, the whole thing.  It was drawers that got me in trouble.

Also, as many of you may know, I am married to Brian who is the world's biggest Hunnibunni. We've been married 21 years and I don't think I have ever heard him raise his voice.  At least not that I can remember.  Keep this in mind.  :D

Ok, Picture me in my cleaning clothes and headband.  This is SERIOUS cleaning here!  I get out the vacuum.  Ipo and Allie take one look and head for the closet.  This is good as SERIOUS cleaning and kitties just don't go together.  

I'm all set.  I empty the litter box then think I better vacuum up the 40 pounds of cat hair that live on the couch.  Not like I didn't get it all off 2 days ago.  Sigh....  So, I pull out the couch vacuum every square inch then decide to put on the stretchy fitted slip cover.  OMG.
You guys ever put on a stretchy fitted slip cover all by yourself?  What a hoot.  I find this little tag that says... Center Front.  And another that says... Center Back.  Ok, I can do this.

I put CF and CB where they belong.  Ok.  Now I have a mass of stretchy stuff all balled up in the middle of the cough.  Seams are all over the place but not a one where it looks like it belongs.  I fit one part over the arm.  The matching other side snaps off and returns to center.  Ok. I got do the other side.  THAT one snaps off.  Meanwhile, the vacuum has not been on so Ipo figures it's safe to come out and *help*.  She gets on the couch.  And can't imagine why her mommy is screaming.  Get OFF there, you little hairball!  I JUST vacuumed!  She leaves in a huff.  I have to remove the new hair.  Ok, I finally get the two ends to remain on the arms.  I now have this mess that will not fit no matter what.  

After about 20 minutes of wrestling with the thing, it is finally on the couch.  Now, a small aside...

We have Allie, our black and white cat.  Allie's tail is black.  Luckily, she is also a sweet gentle kitty.

We also have these dark gray tubes of foam that you stuff down the sides of the slip cover to keep it from snapping off and decapitating you while you are watching a movie.

One day I hear B laughing.  I go and ask him why he's laughing.  One of the foam tubes has come out of hiding.  Allie is sitting next to him on the couch.  B dutifully decides to replace the foam thingie until he discovers that he is trying to stuff Allie's tail into the couch.  She is NOT amused and leaves.

Henceforth, the foam thingies have been referred to as "Allie Tails".  

Back to the covering job.  Now I have the cover firmly where it belongs and realize I have to put the Allie Tails in.  So, I go to the linen closet and what do I find but THREE Allie Tails. WHERE is the fourth?  Ms Anal Retentive couldn't possible have put one somewhere else.  I wouldn't be able to sleep!  I start thinking about my wine bottle.  It's 9AM.  I'm in trouble.  

So, I says, Self... we will go vacuum the drawers in the bathroom and clean them out.  They are full of hair.  I toddle into the bathroom figuring that the missing Allie Tail will just materialize while I am vacuuming the drawers.

I open the top drawer where B has all his contact lens stuff.  Now, I don't wear contacts so I am an ignoramus about how these things wrk.  I only know that they stick onto your eyeball like a squid.  

Well, in this drawer I find about 37 of those plastic containers you keep lenses in.  You know... They have a L and an R on them.  WHAT does one human need all those containers for?  It's like a warehouse for the things.  What to do with them?  

I will give them to Dimitri.  Dimitri is our nice manager man.  He's a sweet old guy (old being older than I) and takes donations to the Abused Women's Shelter for his church.  So, I am always giving Dimitri things for the shelter. So, I make a bag and decide they can have the containers.  I open them and look then, instead of putting the ones I looked in into the bag, I put them back on the counter.  You KNOW what's coming, don't you, Contact Wearers?

So, I am through putting things into the bag and I cart it to the front office where I give it to Dimitri.  

Fast Forward to B coming home.  He comes in, we do our Pilates and all is right with the world. Until shower time.  I am in the back bathroom when I hear him bellow, "Where are my eyes!?"  Oops.  I run into the bathroom and B is not really happy.  His contact container, in which his spare contacts were living, is gone.  Uh oh.  I have given away my Hunnibunni's eyeballs.  I fess up and toddle out to the lobby where I find Dimitri on the phone.  I tell him I need the contact cases and he says ok, they are downstairs in his apartment but he will get it and bring it to me.  

I wait and wait but no Dimitri who has told me he will go get the cases and bring them to our apartment.  So, I go back out to find Dimitri still on the phone.  I sit down to wait.  Now, you have to picture this.  I have just gotten out of the shower so my hair is all wet and I have on my "at home" clothes.  Brian calls my at home pants my "Clown Pants".  Of course nothing matches.  I look like a refugee from a third world war zone.  Dimitri kindly doesn't look and hangs up really fast.  He tells me he was talking to his girlfriend who has children problems.  

Her kids, of course are about 40.  Jeez.  To make this long story end, Dimitri finds B's lenses and gives me the case which I run back to B who opens it to find the solution has leaked out and he now has to stand there with the shriveled up thing in his hand while he feeds it liquid.

I drink copious amounts of wine.  And oh yeah... the 4th Allie Tail was in another closet.  WHO moves things when I'm not looking?  I keep a wine stock for a reaso, yanno.  :D


Melissa said...

Hey! 40-somethings can have problems that we need to tell our mommies! (Ok, so maybe the mommies don't need to tell their boyfriends....)

MoeArt said...

It wasn't the 40 year old whining. It was the "girlfriend" whining about her 40 year old kid! :(

Kathi said...

yanno Moe, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this rendering today. I laughed my arse off. was good, took my mind off Munchie. thank you! hugs.

MoeArt said...

I'm glad. What's wrong with the Munch? Her leg?

Caly's Jewelry Creations said...

Oh my gosh Moe...! You are such a vivid writer...! I could see the couch struggle so clearly...!!! You are such a hoot... I completely understand the need of a wine stock....sigh Hugs!