Beading and Other Forms of Brain Damage

OIks. The other day I got the bright idea that it would be really cool if I could make beaded bezels for my clay cabochons. Man, I ought be put somewhere that I can't hurt myself. :( WHY, oh WHY did I think this was gonna be easy? I am demented. Not only does this involve buying a ton of supplies but it also involves sharp objects. I have to buy a book, too. Ok, I go shopping. That was fun. Good thing my beady pal Pam offered up her sanity to help me. At least I knew what to buy... sorta. So, I gets my supplies and I sits myself down. That was the first mistake. Now, any of you do bead weaving or bead sewing? Well, just let me tell you that it involves about 6 miles of thread. All at once. GREAT fun when you have 2 cats. Let me tell you this. :(

Ok, I get the cats securely duct taped to the wall and sit down again. Jeez. I unravel my 6 miles of thread. Oh boy, I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. The freaking beads are rolling all over. I get out my beading mat. Better. Now, I get my microscopic needle, 6 miles of thread and sit back down. Naturally, I am sitting in my Merlin chair which many of you have seen. It has arms. BAD idea. My 6 miles of thread immediately turns into 1/2 mile as the thread wraps itself around the arm of my chair. Jeez. Ok, I get up and untangle it. I now sit crooked in the chair to block the arm with my body. I start reading and following directions. WHO sits up at night and thinks up these convoluted directions? You guys ever try to make a even count peyote stitch with the thread catching on everything, two cats, lousy book directions and no knowledge? Jeez. :( We are NOT amused.

Ok, I drink some wine. I feel better.

Next day we go to B&N whereupon I find another book. I buy it. WAY better directions. But, yanno? It still doesn't say really helpful things like: " The first 2 freaking rows will be an unmitigated disaster. If you don't kill yourself after the first 2 rows you might, MIGHT find that it gets marginally easier. After about 6 rows there is actually something to hang onto so you can keep the proper tension... you know... tension? Did we forget to mention this important word before. Ok, sorry. Tension is what keeps the beads next to each other." Swell. I swear *I* am going to write the next book and tell people how it REALLY is to learn beading. Then, I finally make this bead thingy you see here. I am SOOO proud of myself. Only took me 4 days. And lots of wine.

Then I make the mistake of asking the ever-wonderful Pam how to do ODD number peyote. The response? "WAIT!" Jeez. Just what is it that she knows???

And my book says this: "for odd count peyote, just take your even number project, flip it over and, poof! Odd numbers" WTF? I thought this was ODD number? I count the beads in the picture. A nice even number of 7. Yep, that's an even number alright. I am insane. I actually thought odd meant... odd. Silly me. Apparently it means even. I counted the beads on all 4 sides. 7. Jeez.

THEN... I think... ok, Beej can make bezels. But I look at my little bead thingy. It is flat. Flat, I tell you. To hold a cab it needs to be curved. I ask Pam. WAIT! she yells. Jeez. Actually she does tell me how it's done but I'm not sure all the words she's using are English so I will wait. I think she means I have to wait for Enlightenment. Or perhaps Nirvana. At which point the beading of cabs will miraculously appear in my brain and I will be a Master. Or, I won't care. One of those.