Traffic Court and Other Fun Things

I was just reading a post from my clay pal Ms. Pete, whom I affectionately call "Pee". She is Pee because one day she forgot a T. I jumped on it and she's been "Pee" ever since. What a honey. I love Pee. Anyway, Pee was saying that she had to go to traffic court. I wanted to know what dire thing she'd done so I asked. That reminded me of a very funny thing that happened to me once many years ago.

My friend Tom went to Brazil for an extended vacation. He left his car with me while he was gone. He had renewed his insurance but didn't have the card yet but he did have a letter from the company saying he was covered and the card would be arriving soon. He also had the car safety checked and the decal was in the glove compartment. I was supposed to remember to put it on the bumper. Key word here is "supposed". Ok.....

My friend was moving so I was driving Tom's car and helping her move. We had moved all day and we were beat. So, we went to dinner and had a couple of mai tais. I was driving back to her new apartment in Waikiki when I see the blue lights in the rear view mirror. Oh shit. I gobble a handful of mints and put on my best cute face.

The local cop saunters up to the window and wants my driver's license. Oh shit. Mine is about 17 years expired. Oops. I tell him it's expired. He looks at it then bends down to look in the window. I am valiantly trying not to breathe on him. Mo is hyperventilating in the seat next to me trying not to laugh. Now, two things need explaining here. One is that I have never owned a car and didn't at that point. I really didn't need a current license as I never used it. :D And it was decades ago when we were both young and beautiful.

Now, the local cop is trying his best to find some way for me to get around driving with no license. He was doing great until his sergeant stomps up. He is a mean haole guy who takes one look at me and hates me on sight. Can you imagine that? :D I must have looked like his ex wife or something. I try not to breath on him, either.

He has no mercy. He wants the registration and implies I stole the car. Moron. Then he reams me about the license thing. I sit meekly and take it because he is right and I have been drinking mai tais. I give him all the stuff he wants but he starts writing tickets. The local cop is trying to dissuade him but that makes him even madder so I get more tickets. Then he makes the local cop do a left hand turn into Mo's parking lot... from being parked at the far right hand curb. I had to tell the guy to turn on the headlights. Jeez. I think I got a ticket for that, too.

By the time the cop is done I have a ticket for no no fault, Tom has a ticket for no no fault, no driver's license, no registration (yes, it was there and current) and one last ticket for no safety check (I handed the haole guy the sticker but still got the ticket.

Then, to make matters worse... he makes me walk away and leave the car at Mo's. This is fine except I lived about 6 miles away and it was 11:30PM on a Saturday night in Waikiki. NOT a good idea for a woman to be out walking by herself. I asked the cop to give me a ride but he wouldn't. They drive off and leave me.

Mo had to fly the next night so she went to bed (she was a flight attendant at the time). I am SOOO pissed I stomp down the beach to a bar where an off duty cop I know is playing music. I tell Mike the whole story. He is really mad and tells me what to do... the main thing is to be sure to show up at traffic court. Ok, I can do that. Mike drives me home.

So, traffic court ensues and I dutifully show up. Now, ALL the tickets are written in the name of my friend Tom. So, I sit there waiting to be called. Finally the bailiff calls out, Thomas A Nelson! I stand up. He calls again. I wave at him. He calls a third time. I wave harder and point my finger at the top of my head. I mean... I am 5'9. He can't possible not see me!

Of course, by now the entire court is dead quiet and all think there is this tall insane person loose in the court room. The bailiff is talking to the judge who peers over his glasses at me. I smile and wave.

I guess the judge thinks that if HE calls "Thomas A Nelson!" that I somehow will disappear and a male personage will appear. He tries it. It doesn't work. I am still there. The bailiff finally tells me to approach. The judge again says... Thomas A Nelson? This guy is really having a hard time. :)

About halfway down the aisle I say, "Judge, I'm actually NOT Thomas A Nelson". The judge says, 'Oooohhh, thank God!" and the court room breaks up. Now he has realized his mistake. He has an entire courtroom full of laughing miscreants. This can't be good. The back doors are opening while various assorted men with guns look in to see what is going on. Who laughs at traffic court much less the entire roomful?

When I get to the front he asks, "Just WHO are you and why are you answering for Thomas A Nelson? I tell him the entire sordid story. He is NOT amused at the cop who, by the way, fails to show up for the hearing. The judge breaks up the whole court again by asking..."Your license expired WHEN?!!!" I hang my head as I am supposed to and mumble.. about 17 years ago. Yikes. I can see dungeons in my future. Chains nailed to the wall. Bread and water. Shackles. I am afraid.

Anyway, the judge makes me promise, on pain of all of the above, that I will go get my license on Monday morning. I promise I will. He says, "You have promised this court, Mr. Nelson! I expect you to fulfill your promise!" The court is again roaring with laughter. He throws out every ticket and fines me $25.00 for driving with no license.

And I dutifully showed up on Monday morning and got a valid license. :D