Thursday, November 29, 2012

Why People Become Grinches

Man.  Why me?

Ok, I get these donuts from my friend.  Stone, not sugar.  Most of them are pretty cool.  However, a bunch are only fit to decorate your doghouse with.  And that's only if you hate your dog.

I spent 2 days separating out the good from the bad and the ugly.  I'm done and now have a ton of cool donuts and cabs to turn into jewelry.  But...what do I do with the rejects?  Well, in my mental decrepitude, I decide that I can paint them and turn them into Christmas ornaments.  Hah.

So, I gets out my Viva paint.  30 coats later, ok, the ornaments look ok, not great but ok.  I hang some crystals on them and I'm good to go.  The rest?  Well, I decide I should put glitter on them to cover the horrendous paint markings.  Whatever happened to paint that actually covered?  I got out my acrylics which will usually cover just about anything.  Nope.  I put on about 15 coats and they are still streaky.  Ok, glitter is the answer.  Hah.

So, I get out the Future and Future everything then glitter it.  Ok, so far, so good.  I even had the foresight to newspaper my kitchen counter top before I started.  I even covered a piece of cardboard so I could take the newly glittereds outside and spray gloss them.  Hah.

Earlier, I had toddled downstairs to see my favorite maintenance man Patrick.  He gives me some high gloss spray stuff/sealer.  Goody.  JUST what I need.  I get back upstairs and decide I will also glitter and spray our star that we hang on our door each year.  So, I go back downstairs and dig it out of the Christmas stuff and bring it upstairs.  So far, so good.

Out comes the Future and glitter.  Ok, I'm a happy girl.  All is glittered and ready to take outside.  Can you hear the IMPENDING DOOM music?

I get my glasses, the spray gloss, chopsticks, and the glittered things on their cardboard and head to the back stairs.  A small aside here.... out in back of our condo we have this humongous air conditioning thing.  It kind of resembles the Death Star.  But, almost nobody goes there so, I think this will be a great place to spray the glitterables.  I even ask Patrick if that's a good idea.  Yep, sez he.  Hah.

So, I fumble my way downstairs and out the back door all the while balancing my big cardboard that turns out isn't all that steady, the glitterables and the paint can.

I take the little path that leads me behind the Death Star.  Lo and behold, someone has left a heavy green container full of Death Star Juice that is just perfect for me to lift an edge, slide my chop stick under and put the donuts on it.  You were wondering what those chop sticks were for, weren't you?  Another aside here.  If you live in Hawaii, you cannot LIVE without chopsticks. They are good for about 20 billion uses. can also eat with them.  Cool things chopsticks.

I blithely lift an edge of the DSJ only to find out that gruesome Death Star bugs have made nests in the handle.  EEEUUUUWWWWW!  While I am hopping around trying to rid myself of them, every single mosquito in eastern Oahu attacks.

Now, if you haven't experienced Hawaiian mosquitos, they are relentless and black.  They fly in formations and attack on command of their Taliban leaders.  Do you think my gyrations and hopping around deters them?  Not a whit.  Not only am I now covered in Death Star Bug pucky but I am also covered in voracious evil mosquitos.  Black ugly Death Star mosquitos.

So, I finally decide that I have anti itch stuff in the house so best get this done before they find my dried up carcass a month from now and wonder what happened.  Yeah, Brian, the Death Star got her.  We're sorry.

So, I spray everything and entomb several DSMs, while I'm at it.  I wonder if millennia from now paleontologists will find the evil things encased in gloss and wonder if it was some religious rite?  Most likely.  That's always the answer then the obvious escapes them.  Must be a religious rite.  Hah.

Anyway, now I am ready to head back into the building.  Let the fun begin.  We have these doors made of metal.  With those old fashioned locks that need a dog tag key to open them.  There is no way a 2 handed human can open these doors without using fully, both hands.  Now, I have both my hands full of cardboard and entombed DSMs.  So, I set my cardboard on the sidewalk, slap at 147 DSMs and make my way to the Door of Mordor.  Little do I realize that I have set my stuff about an arm's length too far away from the door.  *sigh*.

Ok, I get to the door and realize I can't reach my cardboard.  Crap.  So, I run out, drag the cardboard closer and run back to catch the door before it can close and lock me out.  Of course, this knocks over the spray can.  *sigh*.  I run back out, grab the can then run back.  I set the can off to the side near the door thinking it will be out of the way.  Hah.  I now know why my mother used to say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

So, I push open the Door To Mordor again and run out.  While I am grabbing the cardboard, the door is closing and I hear...PLUNK...HISSSSSSSSSSS.  Oh shit.

In my wild door pushing, the spray can gets knocked over.  Does it roll away like any normal round can would?  No.  It has Death Star Mordor Evil in it and it wedges itself firmly into the door frame where the metal door is relentlessly crushing it.  High gloss spray is, well...spraying all over.  I am stuck with my glitterables and cardboard and high gloss is decorating the Door To Mordor and the sidewalk.  Lovely.  I try to clean it up.  Did you ever try to clean up spray gloss with a paper towel?  Don't.  No doubt those paleontologists will come up for a REALLY good story about encased mosquitos and bits of manmade paper.  Some religious rite, no?  Man, those primitive humans.  Good thing they are all dead.

By this time I am sweating, itching and generally not a happy girl.  I need wine but I haven't had any for ages so I'm still being good.  I get all my stuff to our front door where I fling out the dead gloss can and the cardboard.  I dump the ornaments on my table.  I still haven't looked at them but I do hang the star on the front door.  Looks good.   Hah.

So, I decide this escapade is worthy of a fun blog so I wash up then sit down to write this when what do I hear?  MeeeOOOOWWWW, thump!  Meeooooowwww, thump.  Oh, crap.  I go to see what the Spawn of Satan is up to.  She has decided that the star needs her attention and she is yeowling at it then jumping up to try and knock it off the door.  If it falls on her head, it will serve her right except I'll be cleaning up glitter until next June.

And you wonder why people become Grinches.  *sigh*.


Trina said...

Sounds like some of our antics in our "kitchenless" kitchen. Try doing dishes in a "powder room" sink! Happy Glitter!

LadySaotome said...

lol - oh I feel your pain but what a great story. I can just your maintenance man, Patrick, scratching his head & asking, "yes, but how did you get it all over the door again?" - or next time saying, "I'd love to lend you that but you remember what happened last time, right?"

Cara Jane said...

Oh Moe you paint such a picture with your words.Glad you lived to tell the tale!

Bonnie Kreger at B-LEE KREATIONS said...

We need pictures Moe. Especially the cat with the glitter.

Sandy's Creations in Clay said...

You have me laughing hysterically, I'm surprised you can't hear me in Hawaii.

MoeArt said...

Trina...I KNOW! When we had our kitchen redone, it took them FOUR MONTHS to put in our counter tops. I had to wash dishes in the bathtub for all that time. :(

MoeArt said...

Trina...I KNOW! When we had our kitchen redone, it took them FOUR MONTHS to put in our counter tops. I had to wash dishes in the bathtub for all that time. :(

MoeArt said...

Kat, Patrick just shakes his head every time he sees me walk in the door. :O

MoeArt said...

Thanks, CJ. :D Cheeky was laughing at me. :D

MoeArt said...

Sorry Bonnie, no glittery SOS pix. She came to her senses and left everything alone. I guess she felt the DOOM vibes coming her way. But... check out the newest post. Here are the culprits. Actually... what's left. I sold all the other ones. :D

MoeArt said...

I thought I heard a funny sound, Sandy. :D

Melobeau said...

Oh Moe, What a great story teller you are! So sorry you had to go through all that, but the ROFLH factor for your readers is spectacular!

MoeArt said...

Thanks, ANita. :) I live to have weird stuff happen so I can blog about it. ;D